23 Sep 2016

Are there 3 major categories of BDSM?

Three Major Categories of “BDSM”          By Ryder,   June 27th, 2016

When starting to look at all that falls under the “BDSM” umbrella, one starts to notice that there are so many things that can be included. It can be overwhelming when you realize that intricate rope art, ABDL (adult baby/diaper lovers), Dominants and submissives, and people who long for blood play all exist in the same world. It is really beautiful when you are lucky enough to experience how the BDSM community gathers such a broad range of interests and everybody gets along and supports one another. But one of the struggles along the way, particularly for newcomers, is the thought that, “Well wait up. I am not remotely into that, do I even belong here?” as well as the dreaded “One True Way” issue. We’ve all seen it before. You read online that one Dominant teaches their submissive positions to be commanded so that becomes “the way.” Or the notion that all power exchange dynamics need to include punishment. Or all submissives should be naturally masochistic. Or Dominants can’t be bottoms.

This is ridiculous.

There is absolutely no one true way to “BDSM.”

I want to break down the three major categories of what BDSM includes based on what my experience has been.

Three major categories. SM. Kinky sex. Power Exchange.

SM: Sadism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.”Masochism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.” Sado-masochisitc activity is often referred to as a scene or play. It typically involves a designated Top and bottom, indicating who is doing what. The 

Top is the one in charge of deciding what is happening in the scene. The bottom is the one on the receiving end of the Top’s decisions. And in the definitions you can start to see how varied SM can be. Deriving either pleasure or sexual gratification or both of those, from any or all of pain or suffering or humiliation. Examples of SM would involve anything falling under the pain (emotional, mental, or physical) category. Impact play is one of the most common. Flogging, spanking, whipping, paddling, caning, etc. Also humiliation scenes, interrogation, some bathroom play if it causes pain. If it pleases somebody to be hurt in a way, or it pleases somebody to hurt someone in a way, it is 
included in the SM category.

Sex or power exchange is NOT a requirement.

Kinky Sex: If it is an “unconventional” sexual fetish fantasy, or concept. If it turns you on sexually, it falls under kinky sex. Being sexually attracted to xyz, being turned on by xyz, xyz getting your dick hard or panties wet. Of course xyz can be any number of alternative sexual preferences. The goal of this category is sexual gratification.

Pain or Power Exchange is NOT a requirement.

Power Exchange: Power Exchange is a relationship dynamic, even if that “relationship” is only for the duration of a scene. It involves two parties, one of them giving up agreed upon control and one taking said control from the other person. Examples of this are the many designations of “Dominance and submission,” including D/s itself, Master/slave, Caregiver/little, etc.

Pain or kinky sex is NOT a requirement.

You don’t have to be into more than one of these to be involved with the BDSM community. You do not have to be interested in all of them. Just one. One tiny piece of any one of these categories is all it takes to join in and include yourself. Sometimes the categories overlap for people. Sometimes not.
You can be into pain but not want to have sex after a spanking. Not want to give up control to your 

Top during the scene. That’s okay.

You can be turned on by sexualizing bimboification. You do not have to want to control every aspect of your partners life. You do not have to want to cause him/her pain. That’s okay.

You can be into control and want to live as Master/slave and have a completely vanilla sex life and never pick up a paddle. That’s okay.

You can do rope to cause/feel pain. You can do rope because it gets you wet. You can do rope to take control of another’s body. They’re all okay.

Your BDSM is your BDSM. Don’t ever let anybody else define it for you. Don’t ever believe that one way is the only way.

That said, there are some cornerstones of BDSM that all practitioners should follow.

Everything under all three categories should be done consensually on behalf of all parties involved.

Take time to have an open dialogue and proper negotiation before you engage in any of these categories.

Be aware of the risks that are associated with your kink and educate yourself on safety.

Other than that, the vast world of BDSM is your playground and you have a lifetime to figure out these divisions and their significance in your life. Take your time, trust your instincts, listen to other people’s kink with an open mind and accepting heart, and do what feels good to you.

Not what you read somewhere is supposed to feel good.

2 Sep 2016

Hello world! A closet crossdressers first outing...

Hello world! This is my first post ever! Feel honoured (or ambivalent!) It's an exciting event for me at any rate. I've been a closet crossdresser for nearly 40 years but, like others for sure, culture and upbringing have made me hide who I am. It probably had something to do with my last relationship of over 10 years failing and since then I've withdrawn from the world as a male and started to explore my other half, as it were.

I recently started visiting a support group in girl mode (now that was truly scary) but have always managed to get there without being seen by many people. The group is wonderful but I probably didn't leave a very good first impression because I was concentrating on not hyperventilating. I was being seen!!! Suddenly everything was real and out in the open. A step forward but also a step that could never be undone. I was officially a crossdresser.

The group is mainly filled with transgendered people (please excuse the choice of terms, I don't really understand labels and therefore may not be using them correctly). But there is also a genetic woman  there who comes to provide support, encouragement and advice (Lady L, for the purposes of this blog). I think this was the cosmos finally throwing me a lifeline because without her I wouldn't be writing about the experiences I've had.

Lady L invited me to a performance at a fringe festival. With real people. Breathing people. Seeing people! Could I go? Was I ready for that? Would they be ready for me? I started to panic. I wanted to run. The head of the tortoise started to withdraw. So I said 'ok!'. Idiot. Way to go!

The day of the event was pretty much a blur. I did my makeup. Twice. I put on a blue dress (long sleeved because my arms are seen at work, so they still have hair, albeit trimmed and bleached, so arms don't really fit in either of my worlds), picked up my handbag and left. The trip to the car is always really traumatic but kept looking through my handbag as a walked away and hoped no-one would recognise me.

29 Jun 2016

The risky business of BDSM?

RT travels to several BDSM dungeons to speak with pro-dommes and masters about the troubles their business faces in a recession.

From using devices most wouldn’t allow anywhere near their naked parts, to whipping, to humiliation on vacuum beds – welcome to BDSM.

“I get really turned on when I beat somebody, for sure," said professional dominatrix Julie Simone.
A practice enjoyed by some of the rich and powerful, looking to be punished for their bad deeds – in a sexier way.

Despite what some may think, BDSM is far from being a set of kinky games. Professionals have recently discovered that economic and social realities taking place in the U.S. get reflected in what clients ask for behind closed doors.
“The economy has given them some tough times, and they still want someone to whip them into shape. But with more of a softer hand,” said professional dominatrix Nina Payne. 

“Every time there is another Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo outbreak, we get people who want to be interrogated. Now it’s corporal punishment. Canes, rods. Punishment is called for! And now the same people are coming in asking to be caned,” said Master R, Head Master at La Domaine, a BDSM Chateau, about Wall Street bankers’ changing preferences.
No actual sex is performed.

“We are legally constrained from doing anything sexual. We always tell people, if you don’t like that, write your Congressman,” explained Master R.
Dungeons such as this one have a lot to offer.
“Hands can be cuffed by the side of the head. For people who come in here with a great deal of facial piercing, we can tie them up by their face,” said Master R showing one device to RT.

22 Jun 2016

The Medieval transgender poem

I was reading through some of my favourite blogs and came upon this delightful gem. Although transgender issue did exist in medieval times, this is an enlightened poem by a 14th century Jewish philosopher. 

The story about a medieval  poem on  becoming your true gender.

Many of you will have met the following argument in the transgender debate:

Since crossdreaming and transgender identities are social constructs, they are most likely to be the end product of modern Capitalist society, the Patriarchy or something equally sinister -- an line of argument which will most likely lead to a discussion about sexualization and fetishes.

This impression is reinforced by the fact that historians and art scholars have had a tendency to ignore -- or outright censor -- the voices of gender variant people from other cultures and epochs.

As I pointed out in my blog post on  crossdreamers in the Kama Sutra, until recently all English translations of that work skipped the part about straight women dominating straight men, most likely because it was considered threatening to the world order or impossible to understand.

So a lot of work is needed in this field. I am confident that if we look, we will find crossdreamers and transgender people in all cultures and all periods of time. They lives will be expressed in different manners according to  local language and cultural framework (as they are today), but they will have this in common: A desire or a need to express or be recognised as their true gender or as a blend of the two.

A Medieval Poem About the Longing to Become a Woman